Tonight I feel like more
by DoriScully
Summary: SONGFIC: Deftones - Digital Bath --- Spike’s lost in his thoughts about his one true love which appears to be gone - forever … but still … life goes on, does it?? - A bit smoochy, I have to admit… but still – we all know that sort of


~ Tonight ... I feel like more ~  
  
by Dorothée E. Fritsch ( DoriScully@aol.com  
  
Related Series: Cowboy Bebop  
  
Spoilers: %  
  
Rating: - G - (STRIKE! I finally succeeded in writing a 'G -fanfic' !!!)  
  
Keywords: SONGFIC ( Deftones, 'Digital Bath'  
  
Disclaimer: I never ever owned CB - nor will I ever. and if I did . I probably wouldn't have to write a fanfic, would I ?? Anyway . I fucking love the song!!!!  
  
Summary: Yeah, right. I know what most of you are thinking about song-fics in general and most of all I know my own opinion when it comes to reading them, but believe me. this one's not that bad though (or at least I hope so)  
  
Anyway . Spike's lost in his thoughts about his one true love which appears to be gone - forever . but still . life goes on, does it?? - A bit smoochy, I have to admit. but still - we all know that sort of situation, don't we?? R&R pleaz  
  
Date: September 2002  
  
Author's note: ! JUST ! LISTEN ! TO ! THE ! SONG ! . Do it for me, guys ^_~  
  
****************************  
  
  
  
Spike had been standing on the porch for what seemed to be an eternity - just looking into the sky facing the pale moon.  
  
He sighed.  
  
Actually he was wondering for how long they hadn't seen each other by now.  
  
Was it weeks? Was it months? - Or would they already have to start counting years?  
  
  
  
Suddenly he felt some friendly punch from behind.  
  
His eyes were closed by then. "Is it you, Jetto?"  
  
Some mumbling to his left side indicated that it actually was his all-time comrade.  
  
"Everything all right?" His voice sounded somehow concerned.  
  
"I suppose. Why are you asking?"  
  
"D' you know just how late it is ?? . You have been standing here for - let's say - an hour . maybe one and a half."  
  
Spike turned his back on the silvery moon. Unwittingly his hands slowly ran through his uncombed hair. "Nothing wrong so far. Sorry if I caused you any worry. didn't mean to do so."  
  
For a few moments there was an alarming silence between the two who were standing dead still next to each other, one looking into the sky, the other one turning his back on it.  
  
". Actually it wasn't my idea to come out and look for you, Faye is the concerned one of us. So she sent me out."  
  
"Liar."  
  
"Who's the liar here ??"  
  
"I said you are." Spike sounded less convincing by now.  
  
"That's why you told me everything's all right, huh?"  
  
Damn. Why did Jet have to know him *that* well?? - Of course, they had been working, eating. living together now for years; but he still wished his comrade would sometimes be a little less aware of other people's thoughts ..  
  
"Allright, you know I have been."  
  
".thinking about her. Of course. I know quite well what you're going through. but still there's no need of shutting yourself off."  
  
"One sometimes has to be alone, I guess."  
  
"Was that a hint?"  
  
"I suppose.."  
  
"Allright. I'll leave you in peace then. But don't forget.. my door is always open for you."  
  
"I know. and I do appreciate it."  
  
Awkwardly Jet gave his companion another punch on the back and was about to leave. Before he reached the door he heard Spike warning: "And don't lose all your money to Faye again. You know she has never heard of fair play.."  
  
Jet grinned. "Yeah, I guess I better stop being around sly people. Maybe Ein wouldn't mind bearing my presence now.". Then the door shot behind him.  
  
Spike sighed once again. He knew he hurt his chum but he still needed some time for himself.  
  
He risked another look into the sky. with the result of seeing her picture again before his eye.  
  
  
  
// You move. like I want to -  
  
to see. like your eyes do //  
  
  
  
The thought of not knowing where she was at the very moment made him frantic. Just as it always used to.  
  
By now he had been to too many places, had talked to too many women. but still he couldn't do without her. - Or at least he didn't want to..  
  
Dozens of times he had seen Faye walking around half- naked after she had taken another bath; had seen her looking attractive in some cocktail dress; had heard her voice become husky in a sexy way late at night when they were sitting alone in the cockpit talking to each other,. But still - his heart would never belong to her, nor would hers do to him.  
  
In a quaint, vigorous way his heart - his whole being - was dedicated to her. To the women he loved more than life itself. Julia.  
  
  
  
// we are downstairs. //  
  
  
  
In a disgusting way he laughed at himself and his old-fashioned, foolish manner of loving -or rather praising- this woman . who would never be only 'another woman' to him.  
  
- Did she also lose some thought about him now and then? She had probably forgotten all about him.. - who would not have, in the end.  
  
Did her heart still belong to.. Vicious?  
  
- Even the thought of killing his beloved enemy, his more-than-abhorrent friend and ex-comrade crossed his mind. Would it bring her heart back to him, Spike?  
  
  
  
// where no one can see -  
  
new life break away //  
  
  
  
'Oh boy, oh boy.' Spike's hands ran through his hair once more, while he still had his eyes closed.  
  
He didn't know whether to start laughing or crying. This whole scenery seemed just too pathetic to be true.  
  
'Why don't you start growing up, try to carry on living?'  
  
- But on the other hand wasn't that exactly what he had been trying to for such a long time ?  
  
Suddenly he remembered the glass of Whisky on the table next to the door, which he brought with when he went outside onto the porch.  
  
He sat down and lifted the glass; looking through the golden liquid he started whistling softly 'their' song which sometimes cheered him up a little.  
  
  
  
// tonight. I feel like more -  
  
tonight. I. //  
  
  
  
He took a sip.  
  
His mind started wandering. He remembered the rays of first spring sunlight which touched his face early in the morning the other day; he remembered Jet's concerned voice and some of the other occasions his buddy tried to get him out of his misery..  
  
He took another sip.  
  
He remembered Faye touching his hand, trying to give him some of her strength when he felt week; he even remembered some moments with Ed chasing Ein and Ein chasing Ed through all parts of the spaceship.  
  
  
  
// you make the water warm -  
  
you taste foreign //  
  
  
  
His eyes opened slowly.  
  
  
  
// and I know you can see -  
  
the cord break away //  
  
  
  
There was no need to actually see her to be aware of his female companion's presence.  
  
Somehow she knew how to enter a room inaudibly. and somehow by now he knew how to find out when and how she did so.  
  
  
  
"For how long have you been standing there?"  
  
"What do you think? Not that long. would have become boring anyway."  
  
"That's what I thought."  
  
"Don't you think it's a bit too cold to stay out here for two hours. alone. in the darkness?"  
  
"No. why? I think I know how to dress after all those years. in contrast to. you, for instance."  
  
Faye's cheeks flushed. "Dumbo. I think you know quite well what my point was."  
  
"Look. I don't need your company right now. I'm fine out here."  
  
"Shush, did you really think that's why I came here?"  
  
  
  
// 'cause tonight. I feel like more.  
  
tonight. //  
  
  
  
There was an uncomfortable silence between the two till Faye carried on. "Actually I came out to have a look into the sky to see the stars since Jet told me they were shining quite brightly tonight."  
  
" . D' you want some Whisky?"  
  
"Thanks. already had enough." Faye blushed again.  
  
Spike - still sitting in a basket chair - leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes.  
  
After the wink of a second he felt a sweetly breathed kiss on his cheek and recognized the scent of Faye's lavender perfume all around him.  
  
"I'll leave you in peace then. But don't stay out here too long, you might miss something in there."  
  
Spike knew Faye now was smiling down at him. softly, just like mothers normally use to when looking at their sleeping children. - Not that it happened too often but he discerned that sort of look of hers quite well by now. -  
  
Just like he used to know. Julia's.  
  
  
  
// I feel like more  
  
feel like more  
  
tonight. //  
  
  
  
The scent of lavender still filled the small room, though the door stood half-open and let some of the cold spring night air in.  
  
'Not even close.' No, not even close to the pleasant sweet fragrance that surrounded Julia.  
  
  
  
// you breathed.  
  
then you stopped //  
  
  
  
He was convinced he could still tell what their kisses had been like. What Julia had tasted like.  
  
  
  
// I breathed, then dried you off //  
  
  
  
Just like in some sort of personal confirmation his right thumb went wandering over his upper lip and then finally rested on the lower one.  
  
His one and only -- blue-eyed -- wish at the minute was to find her saliva resting on it instead of his own.  
  
Ashamed of his own foolishness Spike then removed his thumb from his lips, and crossed his arms behind his head as if he wanted to assure himself not to repeat such a 'boyish', silly action.  
  
  
  
// and tonight.  
  
I feel like more -  
  
oh tonight. I feel like. //  
  
  
  
Still leaning against the wall in his chair, eyes closed, Spike slowly but surely started dozing. Yet he had her picture, her beauty. her virtuous, virgin-like appearance before his eye; and he fell in love with her just as he had the first time he saw her.  
  
  
  
// feel like more tonight. I feel like more //  
  
  
  
He even remembered the first time she tried to kill him. but couldn't.  
  
He wondered why she simply hadn't, since it would have caused both of them less trouble.  
  
But now there was one thing he was damn sure of.  
  
  
  
// feel like more. tonight. //  
  
  
  
Right before falling into deep, dreamless sleep he decided that if he ever was to meet her again.  
  
He wanted to share one last thrilling frantic kiss with her. to leave a tremendous taste in his mouth when taking his last breath in this same blood- spattering second 


End file.
